Domestic Abuse: UFC 2 Review

Sweat! Testosterone! Joe Rogan yelling at you!

Enter EA Sports UFC 2, the second entry of the MMA fighting series. Electronic Arts took the series over from THQ and I have to say I miss THQ, at least a little.

Graphically, UFC 2 is great. The Octagon is detailed, the crowd is dynamic, and fighters show damage to the body, legs and face as the fight progresses. Everything looks and feels realistic, with exception given to some odd moments. For example, if you throw a weird spin kick with Bruce Lee and your opponent does a leg kick, Lee might flop and spin around as the animation goes a little haywire. It’s amusing and spectacular when it happens, but uh, not exactly what EA was going for.

Battlefield 1 Review: Oh Look, Buildings Fall Down Again!

I’d kind of forgotten what destruction looked like in a Battlefield game. Since Battlefield: Bad Company 2, it seemed like the developers of the series have been dialing back the free-form destruction in favor of activated set pieces. Collapsing buildings, falling radio towers, etc as a certain point was reached in the match.
 

Battlefield 1 is a return to form in that regard, because you can blow the fuck out of a windmill for absolutely no reason other than global warming is a liberal conspiracy and fossil fuels should power everything.

Mafia III Review: A big, dumb game that I'm still playng

I got duped, man. I bought into the hype and bit the $60 bullet, buying Mafia III a few days after release.

But I didn’t get Mafia III. I didn’t get another addition into a great series. I got a calorie-free, watered down, piece of over-hyped trash.

I thought it was going to be good. The trailers looked sick, a bloody, racially charged tale of revenge, plus building a criminal empire with allies that could help me or betray me, set in a dynamic and unique open world with untold activities and secrets. The initial reviews were solid, commenters on Mafia’s social media posts were mostly positive. “This game is amazing” everyone seemed to be saying.

I don’t know what game they were playing, but it ain’t Mafia III.

The moment I popped it in, I had a bad feeling. It didn’t look good; cars would appear out of nowhere, controls were clunky, New Bordeaux looked bland and boring. But I stuck with it, riding the hype-wave and playing along, becoming more disappointed by the minute.

Open world? It is, but there isn’t really any reason to explore. There are some collectables and side missions, but they are repetitive and easy to find. Each racket takeover splits into side quests. Kill these guys, steal their truck, weed, money, whatever colored marker-- or destroy their crates of weapons, booze, etc. Essentially, it’s the same three missions over and over, the game just tells you it's something different and colors the objective pink or green. It’s dynamic as fuck.

You can’t customize your character, Lincoln Clay. Developers Hanger 13 released a patch fixing some of the graphics issues, and gave out some costumes, but they are static and unchangeable, and look to be costumes from the upcoming expansions. As far as I know, you can’t customize cars, which was a fan favorite from Mafia II. In fact, all the cool things people like about open world games; freedom, customization, exploration, are absent from Mafia III.

That brings me to my next point, and that is the storyline. It’s decent; it’s not groundbreaking or unique; it’s essentially a revenge tale. It makes good use of setting and shows racism in an unflinching way, but it’s not much more than that. I did like how it made characters morally grey; Lincoln is as much a bad guy as the bad guys he slaughters. Even the main villain, Sal Marcano, is a fairly sympathetic character. Poor dude just wants to open a casino and get out of the gangster business, but Lincoln decides to murder everyone he knows.

Another redeeming factor that’s trumpeted by game reviewers is the soundtrack. It’s decent and fits the time well, but despite claims of over 100 songs on the soundtrack (Gamespot, 2016) it felt like I was listening to the same six or so songs over and over as I drove around.

Speaking of driving, well it’s kind of a nightmare, but it’s a fun nightmare. Cars are big, clunky and dangerous, and they don’t take corners too well. You can do vehicle rams and make cars explode, and there’s a nifty targeting system for shooting engine blocks and tires on enemies. I would’ve liked to see a racing side mode, or taxi cab quests.

If Mafia III would’ve gone by another name and tried to be a linear, third person shooter, kind of in the style of Spec Ops: Line, it might’ve been great. But the Mafia moniker suggests that it brings something more to the table, and it doesn’t. It’s a flat, empty game with a story that’s only slightly redeeming.  And worst of all, it’s boring. I would get an objective marker halfway across the map, and turn the Playstation off because I didn’t feel like driving it. The city isn’t alive or unique. It might be cruel to compare an open world game to Grand Theft Auto V, but at the same time, GTA did set a standard of comparison. Mafia III doesn’t even approach that.

Gameplay wise, it’s okay. Gunfights are satisfying, heads make a squelching noise when you shoot them, and there are a variety of weapons to try out. I think that the goofiness of the cars and shooting things are the main reasons I keep playing this game.

My advice? Rent it, play the story, return it.

*Update 12/21/16
DLC was released, adding some car customization and racing quests. Here you go kiddies, have the rest of your game that you paid $89 dollars for. Oh, no, you can't have it all now, it might spoil your FUCKING DINNER

Battlefield 4: Prophecy Complete

Battlefield 4: Gloriful Sunday

Battlefield 4: The Glory

Destiny is the Coolest Game Ever, Except Not Really

My friends all have Destiny. It's all some of them play. And so I asked what the game was like. Here's some shit I was told.

IT'S LIKE BORDERLANDS MIXED WITH CALL OF DUTY BUT WITH HALO ENEMIES

Except it's not. Sure, colored orbs drop and that'll give you a colored weapon, so that's kind of like Borderlands. But Borderlands is funny, colorful, and the guns are interesting. It has Call of Duty's iron sights. It has Halo's enemy that are all called generic cool things like "Cabal," "Vandals" and "Legionnaires." Whoa, game changing!

THE MULTIPLAYER IS BALANCED SO HIGH-LEVEL SHIT DON'T WRECK YOU

Except it's not. High-level people have better armor, better guns, and kill you with their super skills. They're like the rich kids in high school who's parents gave them a car and they go around RAPING THE OTHER HIGH SCHOOLERS

Destiny is like high school, where some people have the good stuff and all you have is a cheap automatic rifle to kill everyone with.

IT ISN'T LIKE HALO NOT REALLY

I mean, it's a lot like Halo in styling, combat, (shoot shoot melee) and vague storytelling. But at least Halo's multiplayer is balanced enough so all players, beginners or not, have a chance.

THE ARMOR IS COOL

Ok yeah, it is pretty cool. Except everyone picks the fucking Hunter class that has a hood because Assasins Creed and things with hoods are neat. Know who else had hoods? The KKK! Are they neat? If you picked Hunter Class you're part of the KKK, dick. 

YOU GET A LITTLE ROBOT COMPANION

Yeah and he's called a Ghost and I wish he stayed fucking dead. He floats around and doesn't do shit. He also talks a lot and tries to be whimsical and add comic relief. But he's not funny and every mission gets encrypted to him. Why can't they tell me? Fuck Ghost. I'm glad he died in Call of Duty.

THE GAME GETS GOOD AFTER YOU HIT LEVEL 20

If you don't see why that's a problem get the fuck off the page.

THE DLC ADDS A LOT TO IT

If you don't see why that's a problem get the fuck off the page.

Destiny is a mash up of game genres, and the result is a game that every 7th grader designed in their notebooks during math class. It's Halo, Call of Duty and an MMO all in one, and it doesn't fit well. There is about a million different currencies and I have no idea what any of them do. It's like a fucked third world nation that turns into three other nations due to civil war, and there's like four different Yugoslavian dollars.

Destiny is like the Articles of Confederation. Awesome idea, it just doesn't pay out.

Destiny is a shit game and I hate it but I'll keep playing it for a few months or whatever.